I quite literally feel like an emotional time bomb that is just waiting to go off most of the time. I usually know a little ahead of time that I could have the potential to lose it and be sad all day, but sometimes it just hits me out of the blue. This weekend was a little bit that way. In the last couple weeks I have often thought to myself, “wow, I haven’t had too many emotional moments lately…I wonder when it’s going to hit me again? Maybe I am over the most of the sadness now.” How silly I was to think that. I have learned that grief doesn’t work that way. It is never something you “get over” and forget. It is something that gets easier with time, but never goes away. Grief is very new to me, and praise God it’s not something I have had prior experience with until now. Not grief like this anyway. It has never been in my nature or personality to stay in a dark place of sadness because I don’t believe that is what God wants for our lives. When something hard has happened to me in the past, I always had an optimistic attitude about it and would only be sad for a short time. I didn’t “force” myself to be happy again or consciously “stop” being sad. I just naturally found joy in the situation. Overall, I am a pretty easy-going, joyful, glass is half-full, content kind of person. I have always been the type of person to see the good in people and in situations, and I have to say that I haven’t really changed that perspective though this time in my life. I just have more of what a good friend called “breakdowns” or “episodes” then I ever had before all this. It is not something that I am used to and is something very new as I am learning how to grieve. I still try to see the good in my life despite the chaos that surrounds my daily thoughts. I have learned what it means to DAILY trust God and CHOOSE joy instead of sorrow because, believe me, it is not something that comes naturally for anyone. But, to be completely honest, there are some days that I don’t want to choose joy. I want to stay in my sadness and allow myself to be sad and to cry all day and to just have a “breakdown”. I feel that these breakdowns make me feel human and could just be a part of my life from now on. However, I am not saying that it is always a good thing to have these breakdowns. I know that it could mean that I do not believe God is enough, or that his grace is sufficient for my sorrows, or that I am succumbing to sadness. But that is not what it is for me. I believe these breakdowns are truly part of my healing process. Like I mentioned before, it is not like me to stay in the dark places for long periods of time. But I have also learned that it is OK to be sad and depressed for a day and visit the dark moments. And whether I like it or not, I will have these days in my life. As time goes on they will happen less often, but I feel that it is normal when you go through something like this. I even think it would be weird if I didn’t have these “episodes” in my life.
If you ever talk to me in person, there may be times that it seems like I am strong and have it all together as I talk about Blair without shedding a tear. But there are also times that I can’t hold back the tears and they come freely. I never know how it will be. More often then not, though, I am stronger in public then I am in private. And I have God to thank for my sweet husband who sees me in all the moments of my life. In the strong, and not so strong moments he is there by my side holding me through this life. He truly is my rock and the most amazing man I know! I feel we can get through anything together and God gave us each other to lean on through the good and bad.
So all of this rambling to say, I feel like I had an emotional bomb go off this weekend. I never know how long it will last or when it will come back again. It could last for a couple minutes, hours, or days. And it could be weeks or months until it comes back again. But I know that in those moments God is near me and feels my pain. He sees me through it and I come out stronger. I will look back at these times in my life and see growth…and I know these times won’t last forever. So I will use this time in my life to Praise God in the storm.