My sweet Blair would have been 3 months old today and instead of celebrating that milestone with us here, she is celebrating it with Jesus. While I know there is no better place for her to be, I still find myself so jealous and sad that she is not here with me. As I lay around on this lazy Saturday afternoon I picture what it would've been like. What would we be doing? I know one thing for sure...we would be taking lots of pictures to send to family and friends capturing this 3 month mark. My life would've been so different and I was so ready for that change. I was (and still am) ready to be a mommy! I looked forward to watching her grow up and soaking in every moment. I realize now that I took those moments with her in my womb for granted! Oh what I would do to have those moments back with a different outcome!!! I will never understand this side of heaven why my baby girl couldn't be here with us! But I have to daily hold onto the truth of God's promises that I will see her again! It's just so hard and makes me long for heaven even more! I know that Blair's life has changed mine already so much. I have a different view of life and just how special the gift of a child is. To any other person (and myself before November 11, 2011) having children was just part of normal life. You go to school, date, get married, find a house, get pregnant, and have a healthy baby to raise followed by more down the road. But what I've realized is how different that dream of a normal life is when something tragic like this happens. It reminds me that we don't deserve and are not entitled to have all the culturally "normal" things of this world. Each day is a gift from the Lord. Every daily breath, your family and friends, financial security, a house to call a home, food, cars, clothes, EVERYTHING is a gift. And I want to live each day not taking anything for-granted, but to live a life of gratitude with a thankful heart. Blair's life is a gift, not a curse or a mistake. I want to live each day looking for the good things that have happened rather then the bad or sad things. However, I will continue to mourn the "little deaths" of each dream I had with Blair and I feel that is normal. But mourning those dreams will make me realize how special each moment is with my future children (Lord willing). And while I wish with all my heart that Blair's life didn't have to end so early, her life is still a sweet gift to our family. I don't think any of us will ever be the same after going through this. I don't think any of us with ever view heaven the same or each day God has given us on Earth. It is my prayer that we not live in anger, but in hope and joy as we carry on Blair's legacy and realize every day the gift she was and still is to us.
Happy 3 month to our sweet angel!
Todays feelings=hopeful and thankful...Tomorrows feelings=who knows! Every day is different.